Whac-a-mole is a fairground/arcade game that involves hitting toy moles with a mallet, as their heads pop up out of the five holes on the game’s surface. For a better description of this, please see the following Wikipedia link; that is if you are not already conversant with the general idea.


I have a different concept of my version of this game, call it a fantasy, if you will. In my version, the machine would be large; large enough to accommodate humans. It would sit in a cellar, or shed, somewhere out of earshot, and away from prying eyes. Inside, would be the people that annoy me the most. The smug, the self-important, the self-satisfied, swollen of ego, and enjoying undeserved reputations. Those that think that they really are ‘it’, and that their music, or skills, or humour and personality are beyond criticism. They believe that what they have to say is important, and that they hold a relevant, and distinguished place in society, if not in the World itself. They see themselves as the epitome of fashion, pillars of the establishment, and believe themselves intelligent, attractive, and above others. At least, that is how I perceive them to behave; which is enough for me.

They would be ‘collected’, in some unknown way, and installed in my giant ‘Whac-a-mole’ look-alike. If they popped their heads out, for food, water, or probably just to say something that they believe is important, then they would get a good whack with the mallet. They get just enough sustenance to keep them alive, so as to prolong my enjoyment of malleting them over a period of many years. Whenever I was unable to fulfil my role, due to illness, holiday, or some other indisposition, I would make my machine available to other like-minded individuals, who would stand by, mallet ready.

So, who is on my list so far? Who, in the fantasy of beetleypete, deserves such a fate? I have no doubt that many of you will not agree with my potential candidates for insertion into the machine, to face a life in fear of the random mallet. However, it is my idea, my newly-disclosed desire, so there!

Bono. Who can like this insufferable, sunglasses-adorned, Irish warbler? (Even his ‘one name’ is so annoying, it makes me fight for breath. His real name is Paul Hewson, what’s wrong with that?) Not me, that’s for sure. he is in pride of place.

Russel Brand. This completely unfunny, so-called comedian. Devoid of charisma or personality, yet seemingly famous for his ability to seduce attractive, though generally stupid women. He gets a spot.

Bob Geldof. Former punk band front man, now turned spokesman for anything and everything Geldof. Given a knighthood, and nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize, yet such a bad singer, he couldn’t fill a pub’s club room. A talentless big mouth of the highest order. It wouldn’t be my Whac-a-mole without him.

Paul McCartney. Once the co-writer of some good songs. Now an ageing, dyed-hair embarrassing, trading on former reputation, elderly scouser. He just can’t let it go. Into the machine with him.

Jimmy Carr. Desperately humourless, tax-dodging, supposedly entertaining, panel show pundit and latter-day comic. He looks weird, as if from another time (possibly the future), and of a sex somewhere between male and female. He must be one of the smuggest people to ever grace the planet with their presence. He has to be in the box.

There are so many more, I am sure you will agree. Lord Sugar, Terry Wogan, (the worst wig in the country), George Osborne (just for being alive), and I haven’t even started with the women yet. Chris Martin, Brian May (he almost pipped McCartney), musicians featuring heavily, I know. It is because they believe themselves to be so important. Boris Johnson, for pretending to be a buffoon when he clearly is not. Cliff Richard, for refusing to age and die, like a normal person. Tracey Emin, for pretending to be an artist, and making pretentious fools believe it too. The list just goes on, and on, and on.

It is fair to say then, that they should all be in there. Trouble is, there are only five holes in a ‘Whac-a-mole’. I’m going to need a much much bigger machine…

39 thoughts on “Whac-a-mole

  1. I agree with you on all of these… except Russell Brand, who I love. He has had a rather big turn around since his sex addict days though.

    I would put Boris Johnson, Piers Morgan and Katie Hopkins in there…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can’t even bear to look at Brand, Abbi. I think it is best described as ‘unreasonable hatred’ on my part. Your other selections are all excellent. πŸ™‚
      Best wishes, Pete.


  2. Oh dear Pete, you are incorrigible! I have to agree with your choices at the time, I suspect there are a few different ones who might make it now. Trump, Corbyn, Boris, All of the Kardashians (I know it will be a tight fit to get them into one hole), Lord Sugar are mine, though I can think of many more!

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Okay. So mine would have Trump, Martin Shkreli, Tom Cruise, Ted Nugent, Sarah Palin, Ann Coulter, Milo Yiannopolis, Julliann Assange, Scott Baio, Mitch McConnell, Paul Ryan, Piers Morgan, Nigel Farage, Dennis Rodman, KellyAnne Conway, Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, Woody Allen, Steve Bannen E.L. James. And this is frightening because I could just keep going and going, and going…

        Liked by 2 people

        1. It only has five holes! You machine would be as big as a house! I accept all your entries though, even though I haven’t heard of nine of them… πŸ™‚
          (Imagine the pleasure of malleting them…)
          Best wishes, Pete.

          Liked by 2 people

  3. Pete, I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard, making this difficult to type.. The spell checker keeps going off because I can’t at this moment see to type properly.. I need to get me one of those handy dandy machines too, so tell me when you patent it for sale across the pond.. LOL

    Take care, Laura


  4. Love it! I have a lot of names that could go in there as well, mostly political and some musicians. I’m with you on those you have put in your box, especially Bono, Geldoph, McCartney et al.
    I was born and bred in Liverpool and hated the Beatles, as did most Liverpudlians. I moved to a new estate that was built and it was all Beatles names – I lived in Ringo Starr Drive and I must be on so many Asian and American photos as they used to come in coach loads! I don’t know how many times the sign posts where stolen πŸ™‚
    As I said previously, I have a lot of people I could easily whack with top of the list being Jeremy Hunt and Teresa May and just for the hell of it, Owen Smith!
    Really enjoyed the post Pete.
    Jay xx


    1. Thanks, Jay. Glad to read your thoughts on who you would put in your machine. That’s the best thing about this type of post! Hope you are well.
      Best wishes, Pete.


  5. Now that Boris Johnson has assumed the title of Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs, you might want to think twice about whacking him on the head! Also, now that I see how badly you want to whack people, maybe the fact that you never got your hands on the Colt Python .375 Magnum or the Browning Hi-power 9mm automatic is a good thing! But seriously, I enjoyed this humorous piece, and I do understand the sentiments involved. I don’t care for any these people, do I appreciate the Paul McCartney of old, back when he was a creative Beatles force.


  6. Looks like this one touched a nerve!-Bobby, glad to still be in touch after all the years, and many oceans in between. Shall I tell the one about your uncontrollable giggling in the lift?- Kim, I did allow myself a few Merlots at New Year, nothing excessive.- Sophie, you can put anyone you like in, that’s the point, it is your whac-a-mole.- Eddy you can blog more now you’re a work widower!-Brian, how could I put such an intelligent and distinguished critic as Mr.Sewell in my contraption?


  7. Excellent idea, I love it, although I’m sad to see that Brian Sewell didn’t get a mention: the voice, the pomposity. . . Brian


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