This is the sixteenth part of a guest serial, in 660 words.
I don’t know where I was when I woke up, but it seemed like somebody had put a filter over my vision (what’s left of it) and everything was grey. I remember seeing a bunch of people, I assumed they were nurses, standing around a bed. It’s bizarre to explain, I remember what I was thinking, and it felt real but it didn’t at the same time. It’s clear now, I was very heavily sedated. Bear in mind, I had the breathing tube, IV’s, wires, tubes, machines, NG tube, etc. and I thought to myself, “Do you know what? I feel bloody fantastic!”
As soon as I had said it, I was asleep again.
There was a water fountain, next to the double doors, just in front of my bay and all I wished for was to have a drink. At the time, I was jealous and hated watching people get a drink from there. I was in a bay which was alongside a wall, I was allowed to have photos put on it. Photos of my Guinea pigs, my dogs, nieces and nephews, I could never look at them without crying because I didn’t know if I would ever see them again.
I remember being more unsettled at night, I think the loneliness hit me hard. I got so frustrated one night, that I was violently shaking the bed guard. I wanted to go home; I still didn’t understand clearly all that happened. Why did I have no energy? Why couldn’t I sit up by myself?
Loneliness, and being in a unfamiliar place, with nobody I knew, was beyond horrible.
I was surprised when my best friend, India, came to see me. I had no idea that she knew I was in hospital. She gave me a really big cuddle and all I could do was put my head against her, I didn’t have the strength to lift up my arm and hug her.
India wrote funny things on my whiteboard which made me smile. It was the same day I met my Speech and Language Therapist, Nicki, she was very bubbly. She showed me how to communicate via a tablet, I had to point to words and pictures to practice communicating with it. My brain understood what to do, but my body didn’t, if that makes sense?
Nicki left after she knew I got the gist of how to use the tablet. Mum arrived shortly after. All of a sudden, I wanted to go to the sea life centre, God knows where that came from. Trying to demonstrate by acting like a fish was interesting. I tried saying ‘Sea’ but neither Mum or India could understand me. Until later on, it clicked and they figured out what I was saying.
Still need to go to a Sea Life centre with India…
During the time I was heavily sedated, I had a tendency to wave to anyone and everyone. Along with shouting (well, trying), “NOOT NOOT”. Just imagine a royal Pingu… I’m never going to live that down.
Early one morning, I woke up and realised nurses were cleaning and changing me, and I became really confused as I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been to the toilet. Before I started to wonder if I was no longer able to tell when I “went”, excruciating pain took over my entire body.
My pain threshold, at the time, was extremely sensitive and anything that touched me, I would end up screaming and crying. Not going to lie, I lost all my dignity when nurses had to clean me but I knew I couldn’t help it. I did have a catheter in, which still made me feel like I had wet myself most of the time. But poo-ing myself, that took a long time to get used to. Especially when people came to see me, it was embarrassing.
But like I said, I couldn’t help it.