An Alphabet Of My Life: D

~ beetleypete

D=Divorce

When I got married for the first time in 1977, I expected it to last my lifetime. Divorce never entered my mind, even though my parents had split up the year before, and had gone through the divorce process earlier that same year.

Eight years later, and my wife had other ideas. She wanted more out of life. She was unhappy with how our marriage had turned out, and wanted us to separate. Even so, divorce was not mentioned. I agreed to move out, and we remained friendly, and in regular contact. There was occasional talk of us getting back together, selling both houses, and moving somewhere out of London for a fresh start.

Then she met someone. A man who had an executive job at the BBC, earned a huge salary, and seemed to have similar views on life to her. He was also interested in having children, something she had decided she wanted. So she phoned me at work, and told me all this out of the blue, adding that she wanted a divorce. It is not in my nature to pursue a lost cause, so I gave her my blessing to go ahead with it.

She did it all. There was no property to divide, no children to consider, and neither of us sought to stake a claim on either property, savings, or future pensions. The justification for the divorce was given on the Court papers as ‘Irretrievable Breakdown Of The Marriage’. I didn’t have to go to Court, I didn’t even need to employ a solicitor. All I had to do was sign the paperwork when it arrived, and send it back in a pre-paid envelope.

Nontheless, it was a sad day when I slipped that envelope into the postbox.

In 1989, I got married again. Once more, I had no intention that this might lead to a divorce later. We had both been married before, there was only a two-year difference in our ages, and we felt we had already overcome any mistakes or concerns that had broken down our first marriages. Eight years later, and it was me that was unhappy and dissapointed. It was my turn to ask for a separation, and to move out of the house. (It was soon sold, so we both moved out.) Again, we remained friendly. We occasionally went out for dinner together, and even attended events like weddings as a couple, even though everyone knew we had separated.

It carried on like that for a few years, until she met someone at an art exhibition at the Hayward Gallery in London. They got on well, as he had also been divorced, but he had been offered a job outside London, close to the Welsh borders. This would mean them either splitting up, or buying a house there together. To give her some security, he suggested they get married. She phoned and told me the story, and asked if I would agree to a divorce. Naturally, I did. By that time the law had changed, and after one year apart, it was easy to get a mutually-agreed divorce. She was able to do this very cheaply, so it cost me nothing.

I went to see them before they left, and we parted as friends. We are still in contact to this day.

As regular readers will know, I got married again.

Fortunately, I am still married.

51 thoughts on “An Alphabet Of My Life: D”

  1. Pingback: Life’s Alphabet – D | Stevie Turner

  6. HI Pete, I am glad you are still happy in your marriage. That is lovely for you. My mom has been married three times. She was very young the first time and the marriage broke down. Then she married my father who was significantly older than her and died when I was three months old. My dad is her third husband and they have been married for 46 years. She was also lucky the third time around.

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  7. Well, third time lucky, Pete, and, at least the divorces have been pretty painless and no big fights. People do change and move on, so it makes perfect sense. I am sure this is for keeps, so well done!

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  9. Yes, divorce would be my D as well. Another two time looser, my first divorce was similar to your first. On the scone one, I hired the attorney, filed the papers and the like. Sort of a reversal of roles. they both were expensive in very different ways.

    Warmest regards, Ed

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  11. I admire that you were able to be friends with your exes. I’m especially glad that you found a compatible mate and happiness. My mom and dad remained friendly though it would have probably been better for us (everyone but him) had they not. Divorce is tough. It was probably the worst thing I’ve ever gone through except for my mom’s death.

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  12. Lordy lordy lordy – My first wife had 4 personalities. Something confirmed some years later by her siblings. Married at 20, divorced at 24 but apart for two years prior. I came home from playing some road gigs, people told me “You’re wife is acting crazy at every bar in town.” Well, I hadn’t seen her for almost two years, figured her party girl personality was in swing that quarter. I got all the money I had together, asked the guy who owned the music store to loan me the $14 I was short for a DIY no kids no property divorce. He wasn’t too keen until I told him what it was for and showed him my paperwork. He opened the cash register, said if a man needs a divorce he should get one and gave me $5 for a cheap steak dinner (which was doable for kind of money back then). I got my son-to-be ex out of bed with the local pot dealer, got her signature, adios. Regardless of ease, divorce is never easy.

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  15. Having never been married, I have no experience, of course but I always thought that if I had married and it didn’t work out that I would be happy just to have my freedom and would not make demands or expect alimony. But then if there is property, not to mention children it gets complicated. But I could never understand people who remained together “for the children”. I think living with parents who are at odds must be more painful than having them split up. But again, I have no experience. Life can be very complicated. I am glad you stayed friends with your “exes”.

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  21. It sounds like you handled divorce in a civilized manner. As did my first husband and I. We are still friends and he attended my mother’s celebration of life last year. We do share two children so that can make a difference, although I have seen that go bad as well.

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