A Teenage Crush

After writing about an unpleasant memory yesterday, I thought to counter that with a pleasant one. Like most very old memories of mine, good or bad, they pop up uninvited, and I have no control over them.

In 1967, my parents had moved us out of London to the Kent borders, the village of Bexley, which has since become part of a much larger London borough. I was doing quite well at school, especially in French, and it was suggested that we take part in a student exchange scheme being run through my school in London. (I was commuting by train after the move.)

Mum and dad agreed to having a French boy stay during the Easter holidays, and in return I would stay at his house for two weeks that summer. He lived in Courbevoie, a district of Paris. I had already been to Paris by then, but was keen to experience the city accompanied by someone who lived there.

My dad had to drive me to Peckham Civic Centre on a Saturday morning, to collect the schoolboy chosen to stay with us. I discovered that all the French kids were sixteen or older, so somewhat older than me. We were matched with a tall and heavy-looking boy whose name was the rather ordinary Jean Brun. (John Brown) He was chatty and extrovert, and told me two of his best friends were also on the trip.

We got to meet the rest of the group, and I was very taken with one of the girls. She had an Arabic appearance, and the most beautiful eyes. She told me her name was Nicole Zaoui, and that we would all meet again at the farewell dance when the exchange was over. On the way home in the car, Jean, who spoke no English at all, told me that I should not have talked to her. “You don’t want to be seen with her, Pete. She’s a blackie”. He said all this in French of course, and I had to constantly translate for my dad, who insisted on knowing what we were saying.

Before we arrived back in Bexley, I had already decided I didn’t like this boy one bit.

Various trips had been arranged by my parents. We took him to some seaside towns, and up to London to see sights like The Tower of London and other tourist spots. But he was hard work. He didn’t like our food, got easily bored on the trips, smoked heavily throughout, and kept asking me to fix him up with a girl. He told me that he had a motor scooter in Paris, a large group of friends, and had been with many girls. Much of it was probably boasting, but I didn’t care either way.

More importantly given the nature of the trip, he made no attempt to speak English, other than “Thank you”. So the evenings were long, as he couldn’t watch TV, and didn’t enjoy listening to most of the records I had, which were predominantly Soul and Motown. “Why do you only have blackie music? You should have some good white groups too”. I was at a loss to understand why he was even on the exchange, to be honest.

And I had already decided to turn down the return trip to Courbevoie.

With the farewell dance coming up, I was relieved that it would all soon be over. They were all leaving after the dance, taking a coach down to Dover to get a night ferry, then driving on to Paris. Their luggage was stored in the Civic Centre, and the disco started at around seven, for three hours. Before that, some teachers made speeches about the value of language trips and student exchanges. The teachers who had come from France had stayed with teachers from my school, all over London. Then there was some buffet food and soft drinks, in a rather awkward atmosphere.

I spotted Nicole standing alone against the wall, and went over to talk to her. She also lived in Courbevoie, and her parents had moved to France from Algeria, many years before she was born. I didn’t mention Jean being so rude about her, and he had gone off to be with his mates anyway. After a couple of slow dances, we went and sat on the stairs outside the hall, and I was enraptured by her looks, and her quiet manner. She asked for my address so she could write to me, and jotted that down in a small notebook she had in her handbag.

Like Jean, she spoke very little English, certainly not enough for any normal conversation, so we had to speak in French throughout. When it came time to leave, she asked me very politely, “Please kiss me, I want to remember your kiss. I will write to you next week”. I stood outside watching them board the coach, and waved to her as it drove off. My mum and dad had arrived to take me home, after visiting my Aunt’s pub nearby. When he saw Nicole on the coach, he smiled and said “She’s a real beauty”. I was sure that I was in love with her, overwhelmed by how exotically beautiful she seemed to me, and by how genuine I felt she was.

She did indeed write as promised. Very romantic letters, sent by air mail. She wanted me to visit her in France, but warned that I would have to stay in a hotel, as her parents were strict, and were also muslims. I replied to her letters with great fondness, often using my French/English dictionary to find the right words.

After turning down the exchange with Jean Brun’s family, I signed up for a different trip to France. A smaller group, two teachers and just four boys, travelling by train to Perpignan, where we would stay in a boarding school that was empty for the summer. One of the other teachers was going to drive down later in his camper van, and when he got there, we could go out and explore the area. I wrote to Nicole telling her about the trip, and gave her the details just out of interest.

It was a blisteringly hot summer down in the south of France, and we had a great time. Nothing was structured or organised except the meals, and there were other groups from all over the world staying at the boarding school, including some American girls from Chicago, and another mixed group from Montreal, Canada. One late afternoon when we had returned from the beach, the school caretaker came with a message. There was a French girl at the main entrance, asking for me by name.

I was staggered to see Nicole standing there. An older man was standing by a Peugeot car, looking grumpy. She introduced me to her father, who shook my hand and gave me a look that could kill a houseplant. Nicole told me that we could go for a walk on our own, but only somewhere public. We could hold hands, but must not let her dad see us kissing. We strolled to a cafe near the river, and sat down. I ordered two coca-colas, and she told me how she had got there.

“We are visiting relatives in Marseille for a summer holiday. I kept asking my dad if I could come and see you here in Perpignan, but he said it was too far. I was so upset I couldn’t stop crying, so he agreed to bring me today. But I can only stay for two hours, then we have to drive back to my mother and younger brother. My relatives think I am crazy to like an English boy so much, and it has caused a big argument”.

That was a distance of 200 miles, and it had taken over three and a half hours to drive it that day. After two hours in Perpignan, they faced the same drive back to their family. And all the arguments involved too. Just to see me! I was mightily impressed. We sipped our drinks feeling sad that we would have such a short time together, and when it was time to go back to the boarding school, she kissed me very passionately and told me she was in love with me, but that her family would never allow us to have a relationship.

As her dad drove off, she waved to me through the car window, tears running down her lovely face. She never wrote to me again, and I sometimes wonder how her life turned out.

I hope she was always happy.

Thinking Aloud on A Sunday

Young Love.

I woke up thinking about my first crushes on girls today.

I started young, aged just 11. That was undoubtedly precipitated by going to a mixed secondary school at exactly the same time as I started to realise that girls were not just annoying versions of boys who just happened to be unable to pee against a wall.

And we had to sit next to them in class too, as the teachers mixed up the ratios to reduce the natural cheekiness and disruption caused by some boys sitting together. Close up like that, they looked different, and smelled different too. They smelled good. Even with the allowed amount of ‘school’ make-up, some of them started to look really good too. Most of them, truth be told. And they wore unifrorm skirts back then. And it was the 1960s, so some of those skirts were very short. And they no longer wore droopy long socks that kept falling down, Oh no, they had nylon-clad legs that made a swishing sound when they crossed them.

And some of the girls I was sat next to crossed them a lot.

But I was still too young to actually tell a girl that I thought she was pretty. And much too young to let on that I might also have found her sexually attractive. I had to suffer in silence for a year, as I watched their breasts begin to appear, and their confidence grow until they became bolder than any of the boys.

Meanwhile, I transferred my attention to the female teachers, and not just the young ones.

Did they really have to sit on the desk like that? Were they unaware that I could see right up their skirt when they did? And why did so much of their teaching activity require them to bend so low from the waist? God forbid I put my hand up to mention I was having difficulty with something. That would involve her crouching next to my seat at the desk, with her skirt riding up to the tops of her thighs, and the view down her top leaving my legs trembling uncontrollably.

I seemed to spend my days with my gaze constantly switching from looking at any ‘opportunities’ provided by the teacher, to the legs of the girl sat next to me every time I heard that tell-tale ‘swish’. It was like being in the audience on Centre Court at Wimbledon during finals weekend. And woe betide that crossed leg should find itself coming to rest against my grey trousers. Concentration was impossible after that.

It was a wonder I actually learned anything.

When I was twelve and a half, I was approached by a girl from my class who I had hardly thought about. I won’t write her real name, just in case, so let’s call her Ann. She told me that she had decided I could be her boyfriend, so I should walk her home after school and her parents would not be home from work until six. I almost passed out, as I had never encountered such forward behaviour. More importantly, I had no idea what she was expecting me to do in her house that afternoon.

For the rest of that day, Ann held my hand between classes, and made sure to tell her group of friends that I was her boyfriend. During lunch, she asked if I had told my own mates that I had a girlfriend. When I told her I hadn’t, she shook her head. “Are you ashamed of me then?” I tried to explain that I had only known that fact myself since she had told me it earlier, but she wasn’t impressed. “I am thinking of calling off our date then. Wait for me after school, and I will tell you what I’ve decided”. I learned a valuable lesson at that moment.

Whatever I might have thought to the contrary, the girls were in charge.

Ann was by the gate at going home time, and took my hand. The spat from earlier wasn’t mentioned, and we made the short walk to her house with her talking constantly about everything we could do together now that we were a couple. Like going shopping on Saturdays, trips to the cinema, and summer days in the local park. She had obviously thought a lot about our future.

As she reached for her keys, she asked me a question, her expression serious.. “How many girlfriends have you had?” I replied honestly. “None, I’m only twelve”. Her wide grin indicated that I had given the correct answer. “Me neither. No boyfriends that is”.

Once in the hallway, she kicked off her shoes and began kissing me passionately. I remember thinking of two words, ‘warm’, and ‘wet’. This was juvenile kissing between two complete novices. Lips rubbing against each other as she made a sound like a chimp eating an orange. To my surprise and consternation, she led me straight up to her bedroom, telling me to take off my shoes and blazer, and lay down on her candlewick bedspread. I had no idea what she intended to do with me.

What she actually did is fixed in stone in my memory. Hitching up her uniform skirt, she straddled my hips, and leaned forward, enagaging in more of that very slippery kissing as she held my head between her palms in a vice-like grip. When she stopped to get her breath, sounding like a free-diver emerging from the ocean floor, she held my right hand against her chest, pushing it flat over her apple-sized breast. In case I might actually know what to do next, she issued a warning. “Only through my clothes, and only for as long as I say”.

The combination of continuing to be kissed from above whilst squeezing a real boob was bad enough. Add to that her nylon clad thighs gripping my hips with the skill of a professional wrestler, and it was inevitable that I would become ‘aroused’. I prayed that she wouldn’t notice, but my prayers fell on deaf ears. She sat back and stared at the tiny pup tent in my trousers. Her expression changed, and she took my hand off of her chest.

“None of that stuff, thank you. I’m too young to have a baby. I think you’d better go home now”.

As she let me out of the front door, she gave me the bad news.

“Oh, by the way. You’re not my boyfriend anymore”.