Spaceships and Curtains

~ beetleypete

With the current upheaval in my living room occupying my attention, it has made me stop to consider some of the small niggles in life.

For one, why is it that we can put a vehicle on Mars to show us images of that planet, yet we have never thought up a better way to hang a pair of curtains?

Poles, end-caps, rings, supports. Assorted screws in different sizes, some so small you can’t even actually see them, and have to fix them by touch.

Rings with clips attached that have to be threaded through some eighteenth century needlework. Miss one, or get one through the wrong hole, and you have to take them down and start all over again. Curtains haven’t changed in my lifetime, or even in my grandmother’s lifetime. Or her grandmother’s. It’s as if there is a joint conspiracy by the Guild of Curtain Manufacturers, and the Association of Pole and Ring Crafstmen. Not to mention the Federation of Annoyingly Small Screw Makers.

I have a vision of them all meeting in secret, examining any new invention in curtain hanging, then contriving to kill the person that is trying to patent it.

We have the ‘Dark Web’, and ‘The Deep State’, but they cannot compare to the ‘Curtain Conspiracy’, believe me.

I am not very technical, but in an age of a life lived online, mobile phones that can do almost anything, and a ‘Digital Assistant’ that can check your fridge stocks and order food for you, I flatly refuse to believe that there is no better way to hang a pair of curtains.

I was going to continue about three-pin plugs with fiddly terminals that have to be wired up, but I am too upset about the curtains now.

81 thoughts on “Spaceships and Curtains”

  1. Oh, so, so true. My mother is quite adept at curtains, but even she was flummoxed by the contraptions at the mobile home my parents installed in Galicia years back and where we spent some time this summer. The curtains came already included with the furniture and other furnishings and the blinds seem to have been designed by some Lord of evil… I hope by now the home situation is back to normal… Thanks, Pete. We’ll keep a close eye on the curtain conspiracy…

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    1. Fortunately, my wife deals with the hooks. I just have to put up the supports and poles.
      When I lived alone, in 1985, I bought a new house in Surrey Docks. Unable to face the hassle of curtains, I split some black bin liners, and attached them to the wooden window frames with drawing pins. I found out much later that my neighbours presumed I was a photographer, and using the house to develop film. šŸ™‚
      Best wishes, Pete.

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  6. Pingback: Smorgasbord Blogger Daily – Friday 22nd November 2019 #Freebook James J. Cudney, #Spotlight Valentina Cirasola with Robbie Cheadle, #Curtains Beetley Pete | Smorgasbord Blog Magazine

  11. Great post šŸ™‚ I prefer to hang curtains up the way I feel works best and based on what I have read here, you seem to agree as well šŸ™‚ Anyway, keep up the great work as always šŸ™‚

    P.S. speaking of some of the paragraphs in this one that references conspiracies and going to Mars, it reminded me of that one line that David Thewlis character talks about in Mike Leigh’s 1993 film Naked. The particular scene I am talking about occurs between the 0:50 and 1:42 mark. Here is the youtube video link

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  13. We’ve mainly got blinds here who h are so much easier to remove, but even they have fiddly fixings. Really windows should come with glass that you can switch to opaque when required. It surely must exist.

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  18. You mean you don’t have lining curtain as well that have to be hung separately on the same hooks on the window side of the actual curtains? You’ve got it easy.

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  19. Delightful post, Pete. So true. Hanging curtains sux. It is so tedious. To me it’s like sewing, but sewing, for some, is undoubtedly art. I doubt anyone considers curtain hanging an art in and of itself, but I maybe wrong here. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time I was wrong and far be it from me to denigrate anyone’s art or work for that matter.

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  23. We dont have any curtains, downstairs at least, but we are having some made after deciding that they may help to keep the heat in as we approach the winter. In reading this I am having second thoughts as you just know its going to be my job to fit them šŸ™‚

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  26. Pelmets, what happened to them? I remember my parents putting them up – perhaps to hide the indecent sight of how the curtains were attached. I also remember my mother sewing on brass curtain rings, perhaps they were easier! My friend said in a throwaway remark ‘young people don’t have curtains’ – is this true? Have they all got blinds?

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  28. The curtains in my living room feel down during the night a month ago and while I was repairing them I had your same exact thoughts…

    By the way, the Guild of Curtain Manufacturers seems to be from a Terry Pratchett book! X–D

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