Unsettled

~ beetleypete

On the way back from Hoe Rough yesterday, I was crossing the field next to the Beetley Meadows playground when I encountered a small group of dog-walkers, people I know in passing.

Naturally, they were surprised to see me without Ollie, so I had to explain what had happened to him. This is no doubt going to happen frequently, especially once the weather improves and I stay out longer on my walks. I asked them to tell others in the local group, so that I could avoid having to go over the same thing every time.

As I was leaving, one man asked me how I was feeling. I replied, “Unsettled”.

Back in the house, I thought about my use of that word. I haven’t been sleeping well for over a week now. Waking frequently during the early hours, and getting up much earlier too. I have tried reading books on my Kindle, but lose concentration after ten pages or so. I sat down to watch a film one afternoon, and turned it off after fifteen minutes.

Trying to keep a familiar routine, it feels flat, and I lack enthusiasm. Enthusiasm for anything. I should be out walking later today, but it is raining quite hard, and looks miserable out. If I still had Ollie, I wouldn’t think twice. He had to go out. But I don’t have to walk around in the rain and mud getting soaked any longer, so I doubt I will do that today.

I started tidying up my office room the other day, as the desk drawers were so cluttered with cables, chargers, and other things, I could hardly open them. I gave up after clearing out two drawers, as I was distracted by finding a ‘lost’ battery charger for a camera I haven’t used for a few years now. I own six different relatively modern digital cameras, but have only been using one of them for over a year.

So I have charged up the batteries on three more of them, and when the weather improves I will go further afield to take photos, or revisit some places using a different style of camera.

Tomorrow it is March, my birthday month. I have always anticipated that time with glee, making plans to do things during the week of my birthday. This year, I can’t really be bothered, though Julie is taking me out for a meal on the day, the 16th.

Perhaps I need better weather to lighten my mood, I’m not sure.

Because I am unsettled.

57 thoughts on “Unsettled”

  3. I think ‘unsettled’ is a perfect word. I’m nodding my head and understanding. I suspect other readers are, too. It must be a bit of a relief to have spoken with a fellow dog walker. Hopefully better weather and walks should help that unsettled feeling. Sending you virtual hugs from across the big pond, my friend.

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  5. As you said in your earlier post, it’s better to get out and mingle. You may not feel like talking about it much yet with friends and acquaintances, but that’s part of the grieving process. You’re doing the right thing.

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  6. They are our reason for getting up every morning, although we have those around us we love, they don’t need us in the same way. They can walk themselves, feed themselves and make decisions for themselves. For years you have been needed and loved for it. It takes time to grieve that loss and I know that feeling of being unsettled. And I only realised how much I missed that feeling of being needed in the last few months because of our feral cat who has taken over our lives. And I am treasuring every moment. xxx

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  9. It’s part of the process of grieving a beloved companion that was with you for so long. It is hard and in my experience, it cannot be hastened, should not be ignored. I imagine it is even more difficult for a man, especially one who has dealt with as much trauma as you, but losing Ollie is different to all that. The loss of such a companion is in a whole different category. Meeting Ollie’s friends must put you through it all again. When we go to Greenwich we see people walking their dogs. One lady had two scotties and then one day there was just the one and now it too has gone. It is so poignant. I think finding those cameras and deciding to use them is a very good first step forward. I feel for you Pete. XX

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  10. Not to sound too cliche, but the loss of a dog is a serious disturbance in the Force. The pack dynamic is changed, and as you charge your device batteries there is energy missing in your immediate environment, the halo of your soul, that can’t be recovered with a wall wart or “busy-ness”. Finding the undone things and doing them is reflection time, and so Ollie will be honored that you think of him in your mundane tasks. As well I’m sure he would urge you to take a walk in the rain and slog, Come on Dad, it’s not so bad, and take a long look to the sky and say You silly old dog…He’s with you, and would rather you honor his memory by not retiring your wellies. A good drenching, as all dogs know, is good for the soul.

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  19. there is always a period of readjustment when you have the loss of someone who you love and was so much a part of your life. you never forget them, but you find a way, over time, to learn to live without their physical presence and instead their loving place in your heart and memories. never gone, just different

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  23. I wonder whether changing your routine might help? Instead of going to places where you used to walk with Ollie and re-living old memories, maybe drive to coastal places or other areas you don’t usually go to and walk there instead? Just sayin’…

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