Mood

Sunday Musings On The 3rd Of March

~ beetleypete ~ 36 Comments

This week has been notable for me because of two things. Not sleeping properly so feeling constantly tired, and relentless rain that drove me to distraction.

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Tomorrow, we are returning to the Animal Hospital in Fakenham to collect Ollie’s ashes. Hard to believe two weeks will have passed since he died.

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I am hoping for a long break from the daily downpours. It doesn’t even have to be warm and sunny, I will just settle for dry.

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Otherwise, I am not thinking about very much. I still feel disconnected, and my mood is flat. There will be a new fiction serial starting today though.

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Have a great Sunday, and I hope it is not raining where you are.

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Unsettled

~ beetleypete ~ 57 Comments

On the way back from Hoe Rough yesterday, I was crossing the field next to the Beetley Meadows playground when I encountered a small group of dog-walkers, people I know in passing.

Naturally, they were surprised to see me without Ollie, so I had to explain what had happened to him. This is no doubt going to happen frequently, especially once the weather improves and I stay out longer on my walks. I asked them to tell others in the local group, so that I could avoid having to go over the same thing every time.

As I was leaving, one man asked me how I was feeling. I replied, “Unsettled”.

Back in the house, I thought about my use of that word. I haven’t been sleeping well for over a week now. Waking frequently during the early hours, and getting up much earlier too. I have tried reading books on my Kindle, but lose concentration after ten pages or so. I sat down to watch a film one afternoon, and turned it off after fifteen minutes.

Trying to keep a familiar routine, it feels flat, and I lack enthusiasm. Enthusiasm for anything. I should be out walking later today, but it is raining quite hard, and looks miserable out. If I still had Ollie, I wouldn’t think twice. He had to go out. But I don’t have to walk around in the rain and mud getting soaked any longer, so I doubt I will do that today.

I started tidying up my office room the other day, as the desk drawers were so cluttered with cables, chargers, and other things, I could hardly open them. I gave up after clearing out two drawers, as I was distracted by finding a ‘lost’ battery charger for a camera I haven’t used for a few years now. I own six different relatively modern digital cameras, but have only been using one of them for over a year.

So I have charged up the batteries on three more of them, and when the weather improves I will go further afield to take photos, or revisit some places using a different style of camera.

Tomorrow it is March, my birthday month. I have always anticipated that time with glee, making plans to do things during the week of my birthday. This year, I can’t really be bothered, though Julie is taking me out for a meal on the day, the 16th.

Perhaps I need better weather to lighten my mood, I’m not sure.

Because I am unsettled.

October Gloom

~ beetleypete ~ 63 Comments

This is definitely the worst October I can remember since moving away from London. A whole month with little more than gloomy skies, low cloud, and incessant rain.

Floods, cold weather arriving early, and everything feeling damp. Eastern England (and eastern Scotland) has been caught in a relentless cycle of bad weather that has been circling the country for weeks. Feeling more like winter than autumn most days, it brings on a mood that is hard to shake.

Muddy dog walks have arrived early too, having to wear rubber boots and trudge through mud while holding an umbrella to avoid a complete soaking.

My SAD lamp has been on every afternoon, and the lights in the house have to stay on at late as 10am, sometimes all day. When the sun tries to break through it is low in the sky, and has a watery look to it. But it does little more than briefly illuminate the low cloud.

On Friday morning the mist was so thick, I couldn’t see the house across the street. Today is forecast to be sunny, but there is no sign of that so far, just a blanket of grey.

I cannot wait to see the end of this dismal month, and my fingers are crossed for some crisp and clear weather in November.

An Autumn Mood And A Mother’s Advice

~ beetleypete ~ 71 Comments

At this time of year, I can usually feel my mood changing. It’s almost tangible, and though I always try to fight it, I rarely win. It doesn’t help that lately I have been feeling ill, and reminded every day about my age and how that limits so many things I used to do without giving them a thought.

It has felt cold too, but the weather is fickle, and we are set to experience an unusual October heatwave this coming weekend. The damp caused by low cloud and misty mornings feels like it is getting into everything, including my body, and the lack of natural light some days has seen me reaching to turn on my SAD lamp much earlier than last year.

Ollie seems to feel it too. He is sleeping more and more, and now snoring so loudly in the evenings that I have had to increase the volume on the TV if we are watching something. He struggles to get off his bed in the mornings, stretching his legs to get them moving, and reluctantly heading out to the garden giving me a backward glance that says, “Are you sure I have to go?”

Knowing that the dark afternoons of winter are little more than a heartbeat away makes it difficult to stay positive, and I constantly have to remind myself of my late mum’s good advice.

“Whatever is happening, there is always someone much worse off than you. So be grateful for what you have”.

The modern phrase is ‘First World Problems’.

I am going to have to get someone in to clear out the gutters. I used to do that easily at one time, but can no longer use a ladder safely. I have been reluctant to contact one of the many companies advertising locally, as it seems yet another admission of inablilty, one more to add to the ever-growing list.

But so many people in this world have no real home or adequate shelter, let alone a guttering system to concern them. So what am I moaning about?

The cost of living is increasing here, as it is in most countries. But we have a comfortable home, two cars, good food to eat every day, and a loving and supportive family. Not everyone has such luxuries, and most have nothing remotely close to that.

Not far from Beetley, a man was found living in a tent, hidden away in some woodland. It seems he has done that from choice, discarding material things, and refusing to ‘play the game’. Although I couldn’t imagine living like that, I did find myself understanding his reasons. But he was moved on by the authorities anyway.

Determined to shake off that Autumn mood, I think of the pluses and nothing seems so bad after all.

Thanks, mum.

32 Hours Of Rain

~ beetleypete ~ 58 Comments

When I went to bed on Tuesday night, it was raining heavily here. I lay in bed listening to the sound of it, driven against the window by strong winds.

Then I woke up on Wednesday, and it was still raining torentially. It carried on that way until just after midday, when a break in the weather allowed me to have a dry dog-walk with Ollie.

But by 3pm it was back, raining just as heavily as earlier.

Later that night, the rain increasd in intensity, as did the noise of it striking the house. When I went to sleep, it was still raining. When I got up this morning, it is still raining. The house is dark, and I have my SAD lamp in operation at 8:30am.

After such a long and hot dry summer, I had seemingly forgotten just how much relentless rain like this can so badly affect my mood.

Mood, And Memories

~ beetleypete ~ 76 Comments

My mood is still very flat, and I seem to also be overwhelmed by memories at the moment. I’m not sure if they are a result of me searching my mind for something better to think about, or if my brain is bombarding me with them to make me ‘wake up’. Such random snippets of a life, arriving like the carriages of a long train emerging from a distant tunnel.

Holding a rabbit. The fur is soft, and the rabbit’s nose is twitching.
(I have no idea how old I am.)

Standing close to the edge of a cliff, looking down at the waves breaking on the rocks. It is raining.
(Might be Cornwall)

Sitting in a caravan, looking out of the window at other caravans nearby. Watching a family setting up folding sunbeds in the narrow gap between them.
(No idea where)

A very old lady is holding my hand. Her knuckles are hard and bony, the skin as thin as tissue paper. Her hand is very cold.
(Probably an Ambulance Service memory)

Sitting on a hot concrete step, smoking a cigarette. Pigeons are walking toward me, hoping I have something to feed them with.
(Definitely in London)

Looking at palm trees, from a hotel room balcony. The sun is setting behind them, and the air is cool.
(Probably Egypt)

Watching a small gekko (or similar lizard) on a white-painted wall. It looks sideways at me, but doesn’t move.
(Might be Crete)

They just keep on coming. Is it any wonder I cannot concentrate?

I hope it stops soon.
(And why has it changed the text to italics? )

Ollie And The Heatwave

~ beetleypete ~ 67 Comments

Since Ollie turned nine in February, he has slowed down considerably. But he still likes nothing better than to accompany us anywhere in my car, and is able to jump up onto his bed in the back as if he is still only two years old. So he was delighted when after watching us pack up the car last Thursday, he was called outside to leap into his spot.

The first day in Essex was actually overcast, and not very warm. He was pleased to see my cousin’s two small dogs again, even though having so many people in the house made him rather agitated, perhaps because he worried that he might be left behind.

By the time we arrived in Kent late on Friday afternoon, the weather had started to warm up considerably. We were grateful to be able to eat outside at my friend’s house, but Ollie stayed inside, finding some cool carpet in the shade to lie on.

On Saturday, it was almost 30 degrees (C) and we drove the short distance to a local Country park to give him a good walk. In the absence of a river, I took along his water bowl and a large bottle of water. Ollie was soon slowing down in the heat, so after an hour, we sat under a tree near the cafe there, and Ollie was lying down on the long grass in the shade. Despite drinking lots of water, he couldn’t seem to cool down, and was panting constantly.

The next day, I walked him to the local park near my friend’s house, somwehere he has been many times before. But there was a lot of traffic in that large town, and Ollie kept stopping on the pavement, flinching at the noise as cars and buses drove past close to us. By the time I got to the park, I had to sit in some shade and give him a big drink from his bowl. As he showed no sign of wanting to continue the walk after that, I decided to head back, by which time it was close to 31C there.

He spent the rest of the time lying on the kitchen floor, and when the sun moved around and we sat outside to eat, he ventured out to find any small breeze and the cool decking of her patio. For all three days in Kent, he had seemed grumpy and listless, though I was pleased that he ate all of his food, and had a good appetite.

The drive home on Monday wasn’t too bad, and I decided to stop off at Thetford Forest so that Ollie could get out for a walk, and have a drink. For some reason, he wouldn’t follow me after I parked the car, and kept looking back at it. I had to settle for him having a short drink before getting him back in the car for the one hour drive to Beetley. The next morning, he seemed happier, as the temperature in Norfolk, though still hot, was a full 5C lower than it had been further south. Even so, after fifteen minutes in his preferred area of Beetley Meadows, he ran into the river and stood there for over twenty minutes.

Today was still warm and sunny, but a lot fresher than it has been. Ollie has decided that he must now sniff and mark a lot more places than ever, presumably making up for that ‘lost time’ away. It took me almost thirty minutes to walk less than 400 yards, and I found myself standing waiting for ages until he was ready to catch up.

So at least during this short heatwave, dog-walking now has a new name.

‘Dog-Waiting’.

Bad mood

~ beetleypete ~ 68 Comments

Hi everyone.

As you might have guessed, I have been in quite a bad mood for a couple of days.

No idea why, maybe it is Covid-19 fatigue? Not sure.

I managed to post an episode of Vera’s Life this evening, but I am very behind on the blogs of those who I follow.

I have to sign off for now, and hope to catch up with your posts some other time.

Sorry!

Thinking Aloud On a Sunday

~ beetleypete ~ 97 Comments

Had enough.

I woke up early with painful leg cramp this morning, and couldn’t get back to sleep. It is a warm and sunny day, but I couldn’t care less.

I am moany, grumpy, and fed up to my back teeth.

Still tired and sleepy, despite twice as much sleep as normal. Exhausted from doing very little, and zero enthusiasm to do more.

The PC and keyboard problems are stopping me being able to comfortably write my serial, so by the time that is back again, I expect everyone will have lost track of it.

And to add to that, my comments are failing to appear on at least a dozen sites.

I should be excited about a new computer arriving next week, but I’m not in the least. More tech to struggle with, at a time when I feel little inclination to do anything of the kind.

I have a noise in my left ear that sounds like the tide coming in, and a niggling headache that won’t seem to go away.

Fed up doesn’t even begin to cover it.

I have had enough.

Sorry, but all that just had to come out.